Humanist, Poetry
Comments 2

Looking for me


In a sex induced culture and in a long term relationship it can feel at times like you are missing out. Particularly when you are questioning your beauty as you are getting older. This poem captures the essence of feeling confused and the possibilities that comes with a new way of “kicking the door down to finding yourself”.

Looking for me

So many images with faces like me,

How are they different; what makes them unique

I see them sitting with friends that they know,

Laughing and drinking with their arms all in tow

I want to be like them, whatever that is

I was like them once, and never let anyone in

I can’t imagine they want to spend time with me

Over forty and not twenty

Monogamous and hitched

In a culture of sex, what could be worse than this?

Where are my friends, I wonder, do I push the away

Do I fear them finding out I’m insecure and afraid

I’ll make sure I ‘m smiling or traveling in style

So a visual shell covers the insecurity for a while

I wonder if they notice the wrinkles on my face

The imperfect teeth or my imperfect ways

Am I even relevant with all the beautiful men?

It’s hard to feel like a 5 amongst such perfect 10’s

How can they look as good as they do

What haven’t I done to be a good as you?

I’ll have the best parties and invite everyone I know

Just to make me feel better, that I’m not all alone

I’ll facebook some photos to look really cool

I’ll crop them all up, so others will want to be like me too

As I look at my images it becomes clear to see

I am looking through a persona in order to find me

I wonder if they’d notice if I slipped away

Never to return, or grace the planet again

Would they send me a note, a tweet or a poke?

Would they cry at my funeral or to busy to go?

My perfect life is anything but,

As I struggle for acceptance like everyone else

All I want to be, is the man of me dreams

I’ll continue wondering if I’ll ever find me

Carl Meadows Jr.

September 12, 2010

This entry was posted in: Humanist, Poetry


I was born June 13, 1967. I was raised in the town of Port Coquitlam, BC within metro Vancouver. I was a non-conventional boy winning awards for choreography, dance, and led many school performance numbers before grade 6. I also competed as a figure skater and was notorious for doing cart wheels on the ice. I was bullied all through my school years and ended up going to 3 different High Schools and didn't graduate from High School as a result. This was the era of no Gay Rights in Canada. I struggled with visibility, identity and self-esteem. I am one of the lucky survivors as most of my friends died of AIDS or committed suicide. I am a prolific Poet. I graduated as a Registered Nurse in 1993 and it was one of the proudest achievements in my lifetime as it defied all those folks who said I wasn't enough. It taught me that despite hardships, I could overcome insurmountable challenges. I am committed to making the world more compassionate and doing my part by celebrating LGBT contributions to the world. Every year my husband and I host a Fall Gala for 'Out in Schools' called the 'Carl and Les Fall Gala. Part of this vision is to make sure every student in BC has the opportunity to see their self worth through LGBTQ visibility, support and action to make the world safe for everyone. I am President for the Foundation of Hope whose vision is "a world where LGBT+ refugees can live safely and be themselves". We also support a Film Series at the Vancouver Queer Film Festival called "Migrant Voices" that raises awareness of issues surrounding Refugees, Immigrants, Asylum seekers and Migrants. In my professional life, I am a Registered Nurse and a Health Services Administrator in Health Care. I live with my husband and our dog Ted.


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