In a sex induced culture and in a long term relationship it can feel at times like you are missing out. Particularly when you are questioning your beauty as you are getting older. This poem captures the essence of feeling confused and the possibilities that comes with a new way of “kicking the door down to finding yourself”.

Looking for me

So many images with faces like me,

How are they different; what makes them unique

I see them sitting with friends that they know,

Laughing and drinking with their arms all in tow

I want to be like them, whatever that is

I was like them once, and never let anyone in

I can’t imagine they want to spend time with me

Over forty and not twenty

Monogamous and hitched

In a culture of sex, what could be worse than this?

Where are my friends, I wonder, do I push the away

Do I fear them finding out I’m insecure and afraid

I’ll make sure I ‘m smiling or traveling in style

So a visual shell covers the insecurity for a while

I wonder if they notice the wrinkles on my face

The imperfect teeth or my imperfect ways

Am I even relevant with all the beautiful men?

It’s hard to feel like a 5 amongst such perfect 10’s

How can they look as good as they do

What haven’t I done to be a good as you?

I’ll have the best parties and invite everyone I know

Just to make me feel better, that I’m not all alone

I’ll facebook some photos to look really cool

I’ll crop them all up, so others will want to be like me too

As I look at my images it becomes clear to see

I am looking through a persona in order to find me

I wonder if they’d notice if I slipped away

Never to return, or grace the planet again

Would they send me a note, a tweet or a poke?

Would they cry at my funeral or to busy to go?

My perfect life is anything but,

As I struggle for acceptance like everyone else

All I want to be, is the man of me dreams

I’ll continue wondering if I’ll ever find me

Carl Meadows Jr.

September 12, 2010