We are all products of our experiences as children. I was asked by my coach a few years ago if I could get my Father to describe me as a child in one sentence or less. My father described me as “the most courageous little boy I ever knew, and the most vulnerable; both at the same time”~a paradox. This process inspired a search for the little boy inside of me, named Carlie.
Where did Carlie go, did he disappear?
As I stop and remember those long lost years.
Holding hands, gumboots traipsing puddles; mesmerized
I would have stared at your reflection
if I knew it was our last moment together
Salt and peppershaker in hand for a birthday suprize
Grandma would soon see our accomplishments of the day
The only grandfather I knew
The hushed sounds, the whispers, something was wrong
the untalking was profound
The story of the sunlight blinding your eyes, the truck, the accident,
my grandfather disappeared
Talking late into the night; your life lesson stuck to me like a permanent scar
“Tell people you love them, the moment you know it, as time is unforgiving” you said
You were the love of my life, my rock, and my grandma
The one who protected me from a world not ready
When you saw me leave, you called my name
We had so many stories to tell, I needed so much more of your wisdom
Did you know you were dying, did you forget to say goodbye?
Was “Carlie, I love you,” the last words you wanted me to hear?
Did you not think you broke my heart?
Was I the chosen one to find your lifeless body?
I’ve been searching for you the remainder of my life
Why did you leave me so alone in this cruel world?
Or was it perfect timing, to ease your suffering?
Did you open up a space for me to flourish?
Was there not room for both of us, with our strong, surviving ways?
You didn’t tell me
Winds blowing, stars lighting the sky, laying on the dock
Wondering about you, are you out there; was this gods plan?
Was your hand always holding mine?
Were your arms always around me?
Did I forget to look within me?
I want to be found for a day, a week maybe a moment or two,
As the little boy named Carlie, will keep me eternally connected to you
March 18, 2013