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Poem: Loner



I can only see you when you are not there

I listen through the ear of whispers

Noticing my existence, was about who I wasn’t

I wasn’t like the other boys, I wasn’t focused, I wasn’t welcome, I wasn’t good enough to fit in

I was followed, silently as if there was something to emerge, unbeknownst to I

As if walking through a field of land mines, others wait to see what happens as an experiment of courage or naivety

Ideas and vision create sparks of resistance

Internal voices constantly doubting significance

The polarity of dynamic opposition; the place where only the strongest survive

My armour fitted and secure

Vulnerabilities are known to very few, only those who could bring me down crashing to my knees

As if intentionally giving them a key to my demise; the poison to be given on the eve of my success; no abort plan in place

Ideas to be left behind, after the shell will be long gone

As I walk toward this unknown place, I pick up bird feathers, knowing others have come before me

As I look behind, I see no one in sight, yet I hear crowds of laughter

I ache with fear, as neither direction is a place I know

I take my first step; the sinking sand beneath my feet startles me

Something is calling me forward, like an invisible rope tugging

My heart wants to belong to the laughter but there is something stronger,

as there always has been

I stand alone, not lonely; a loner

Carl Meadows

January 2, 2015

This entry was posted in: Poetry
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I was born in Prince Rupert, BC and I grew up in Port Coquitlam, BC within metro Vancouver. I was a non-conventional boy winning awards for choreography, dance, and led many school performance numbers before grade 6. I also competed as a figure skater and was notorious for doing cart wheels on the ice. I was bullied all through my school years and ended up going to 3 different High Schools and didn't graduate as a result. This was the era of no Gay Rights in Canada. I struggled with visibility, identity and self-esteem. I am one of the lucky survivors as most of my friends died of AIDS or committed suicide. I graduated as a Registered Nurse in 1993 and it was the proudest achievement in my life. It taught me that despite hardships, I could overcome insurmountable challenges. I am committed to making the world more compassionate and doing my part by celebrating LGBTQ contributions to the world. In 2014 I responded to a call to sponsor two Syrian Gay refugees to come to Canada. This launched the beginning of a national Charity called the Rainbow Foundation of Hope. I was the founding President. n my professional life, I am a Registered Nurse and a Healthcare Executive. I live with my husband and our dog Rocky in Penticton BC

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