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I am different now

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I am different now

It was convenient for me to be privileged and unconnected to the woes of the world

Privilege is the ability to decide wether something pertains to you

Boil water advisories are for poor and indigenous people

Homelessness is for those who made bad choices

Floods were the plague of trailer parks and those who couldn’t afford the view suits

As I stand waist deep in water of affluence, I wonder what “privileged” system turned on the taps

Was I asleep at the wheel?

Did I not listen to the public municipal zoning discussions about building in the forest zone vulnerable to fires, or building approvals in the flood plains? Did those indigenous wisdom keepers get ignored; were they invited?

Was I numb to the killing of bears who “invaded” “our space”? Or was I one of those who “blamed the deer” for grazing in what once was their natural lands.

As I stand blood stained, blisters on hand, wet and tired, I think I am different now.

As I wipe my sweaty brow, and I pack the last sand bag, I can say, I am different now.

I am one of those who are a piece of the land, who is responsible for current disasters and have choices for future impacts. Every single decision matters. Didn’t someone say “be the change”? Does this mean I have to “put down my extra hot, non-fat, no foam, vanilla latte and vote for progressive leaders”? Didn’t “someone else do this?”

My voice will carry the voice of a thousand song birds; I am living a reality of the “delusion” of what I thought others were supposed to do”.

I am different now

Carl

Love

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As I stand back and wonder about love
I see a femoral light that pulls from a heart that knows

words cannot accurately express what my wisdom understands
Love is a wordless entity

As I sit back, and close my eyes
I know I am loved

As the balloons get liberated and left to fend for themselves,
they know that they will meet their destiny

Love has wrapped me with warmth
I can’t harness what it actually is

However, it is exactly what I need
in the reality of meaning

I close my eyes and feel the warmth
Of a world that loves me

Not understanding a tangible reality;
understanding the wisdom of knowing

Love is exactly what it needs to be~

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Carl Meadows, November 23, 2017

You Touched Me ~

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My feet touched the ground shrouded by a deafening silence

The wind and the sea made me spellbound

I saw the rolling hills of blinding white stones

I stepped from the safety of materialism to the epicentre of despair

The irony that I could speed away anytime never left me

I decided to walk out alone amongst thousands of lost dreams

The first white stone came into focus as the tears stung my face and the words paralyzed every cell of my humanness

“He sleeps in a foreign land, in a grave we never see. May god guide a kind hand to lay a flower for me. Mother~”

As I stood on the precipice of loss; the beauty of this resting place will never be forgotten and you touched me~

Juno Beach, France

Carl Meadows november 6, 2016

Childhood Lands

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Running through the reeds with fishing pole in hand, were part of the etchings of elder longings

During the darkest moments, I closed my eyes and dreamed of those days

I stayed out so late, I could only see the glimmer of the sun over the mountain crest

My childhood lands disappeared many years ago; gobbled up by yellow monsters with rubber feet

Skunk cabbage; the man in the woods disappeared with the falling of the tree-fort making way for the empire of asphalt and cedar hedges.

These memories will smother me over one hundred lifetimes.

Whenever my sickness of home buckles me at the knees, I will close my eyes, wrap my arms around my soul and remember.

Carl Meadows

June 30, 2016

 

Fear

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716ac1ff-3ea5-4608-a492-cbc9e5a45319-2060x1236.jpegAs I laid down beside you, I let every bit of air leave my lungs

You were everything I thought you were, and I must let you go

You covered me with an anointed oil that has no antidote

the residue is something I have come to accept

I outlined your silhouette, with my hand 

I touched my heart as if it was a tangible object to stroke and console

At times your presence has provoked my inner child

moreover, you have reminded me of my pure humanness

please let me lay beside you, so I can stare into your reflection

I promise I won’t need you forever 

Only tonight, when I need to hear you breathe

when I awaken, I know you will be gone

as the first blinding ray of sunlight enters my room

I will know, you have let me go

Carl Meadows

April 14, 2016

Don’t Count Me Out

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As I crawled from my childhood battlefield,

I remembered the voices of hope, like a permanent etching in my mind

I was never good enough, strong enough, quiet enough

every time I had “an idea”, it caused the stone figures to shudder

The forces of conformity weighted on me like a hundred bricks

The passcode was easy to remember; “do what we say, not what we do”

At times I felt the aloneness, as if I was taking the last possible drop of water

yet, through hope, I always believed another tear would quench me

And then the test began, like a lightning storm in a forgotten dessert

You were there to feel the bolt

You may have scarred me, torn at my skin and even made me weep 

But you will never change the fabric of me

My power isn’t one of dominance, ego or dishonesty 

It is the most frightening one of all

As I touch the hearts of those who know me through kindness,

you will never know love, peace or redemption 

Don’t count me out, but know, I will never be you

Carl Meadows

March 7, 2016

Shame

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It was too dark to see much of anything, 

other than the silouette of a white sheer headscarf covering your face

I was drawn toward the cavernous darkness,

surrounded by a shadow, lit by the edges of the crescent moon

The darkness gave me an eerie comfort,

as I had been there many times before

Thinking that shame had created every waking fabric of my being,

knowing it was the pen that wrote many of my scripts

or the patches on my quilt that completed me

When I walked along side you, I could hear your footsteps,

words are unnecessary, and I know the imprints of the past are behind me

Why do you awaken so fiercely, when I am unprepared for your defening roar?

Should I numb all my humanness, to keep from succumbing to the schoolyard scars?

Your whispers unleash all my secrets, only known to me

When you startle me, I become something foreign to myself

What teachings haven’t I learned, that you persist like the plague?

Can you not live without me in a world filled with the egos of a thousand kings?

Should I once and for all, love you for eternity

so I may finally let you go

As we turned to embrace and console each other, you disappeared

As my fear of you, had been the only thing that kept you alive

The patches were meaningless without thread,

I knew then, that each piercing needle through my skin,

reminded me of who I didn’t want to be

February 11, 2016

Carl Meadows

Miss Grief

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Miss Grief

Oh Miss Grief, you are such an insidious friend
When I am weak and crawling on my knees, you appear at my most vulnerable moments

Was it the first tear, that called you out from the shadows
could you taste the moisture in such a parched and sterile world

Was it the look on my face when my pale skin, reflected the moonlight
or the gravity of my trembling hand, that awoke you from your restless slumber

Oh Miss Grief, I tried to divert all the energy I had away from your hollow call
My heartache ensued, and your touch was sublime

I shut my eyes and waited for the moment,
You were there touching my soul, listing to the beat of my heart, as I waited

I heard your footsteps on the floor of creaking destiny
I wondered if you would console me

I closed my eyes and waited,
Oh Miss Grief, thank you for meeting me once again
that I may tell the world, you cared
Knowing I was never alone

February 3, 2016
Carl Meadows

A “Selfie” and me

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As I watch the world in front of me, I notice all of us have at times lost sight of life, which is the one right in the moment staring you in the face. I watched an entire dinner party take pics of their food, and “selfies, and no one was having conversations. This poem isn’t about shaming the “I was here” culture of taking pics, its provoking us to wonder if our need to “be here and seen” via social media is preventing us to see the greater wonders of life pass us by.

 

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A “Selfie” and me

I was “here” the other day and time got the better of me, I took a picture in front of the sea, and forgot to float on my back and dream

I lost a day because my battery died, I didn’t enjoy my dinner, as I had no one message me, they must have tried?

I forgot to say I love you, because I was surfing the net and couldn’t find the time, maybe tomorrow there will be less on my mind

I’ve traveled the world and forgot to stop, sit and talk, I should have, could have, would have, is all that I’ve got

I took a selfie to remind me where I’ve been, I searched my pics and noticed backgrounds of experiences I missed

I forgot to take the time to just sit on a rock and breathe, and now age has got the better of me

How many times is an experience in front, and by the time it takes to grab the phone, the moment is lost

My hard drive died and all the pictures have gone

As I sit and search for my life memories, I feel terribly lost that I forgot to “be”, and experience the moments that disappeared in front of me

The only thing left in this world of wonder are my Selfies through a google search of me

Maybe today, I’ll just try to “be”, without a “selfie” and me

Carl Meadows,

January 12, 2016

Gum Girl

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Gum girl

Who would you be, if you could see the perils of me

As you reach for my finger and tell, about the gum you have to sell

What if your joy was richer than mine; would we see through a window or hide through a blind

What if your smile meant everything to me; it’s not worth a dollar if I have no time to “be”

What if your happiness captured everything I’m not; would I give it all up to sit with my mom in one spot

The laughter and smiles and mud puddle jumps, makes everything better in a world full of bumps

Life is precious as time moves on, I’ll dream of the girl with the gum from now on~

Carl Meadows
January 5, 2015