Leader~Poet~Humanist

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Poem: Haida Gwaii

I have travelled the world and been to every continent, and yet the one place in the world that etched its place in my heart forever was Haida Gwaii; The land of the Haida people and the most majestical place on earth. In between the British Columbia coast and the most treacherous ocean on the planet and more ship wrecks than people, there is Haida Gwaii.

Haida Gwaii

The mist shrouded you like a mystical wonder,

Your white peaks scraped the skies

Coasts carved by fierce force

Juan Perez wondered and left

The others left sorrow

White man traded you blankets in peace,

So they say,

as they wiped out your people with scorn and disease

Missionaries moved you away from culture that lay

So you would be saved

Only to have crosses carved on your graves

Land of enchantment, reconciliation and hope

Destiny is weighted by the cultures that cope

Monster trees gobble the past

The spirits and treasures are all that last

Be it under the mosses, or the sacrilegious crosses

What comes from the earth goes go back to her,

Reconciling losses

The spirits are watching with unwavering stares,

as today’s Haida children sing, dance and care;

Stories alive and forged on the future

Cleaning up from the past of the evil preachers

For yesterday’s stories were of death and scorn,

Haida Gwaii of today is being reborn

As our boat roared, pulling away from the berth

My heart was heavy, to see the remains of history going back to the earth.

I could see the giant Sitka Spruce scraping the sky

Hearing the drums of the spirits saying good-bye

Haida Gwaii forever, and forever is now

The mist covered you once again, from the view of the bow

Carl Meadows,

June 20, 2010

Poem: A Drift at Sea

Published by Carl Meadows R.N. BSN, MA

Sometimes in relationship there are periods when one partner needs to drift for a while to find out who they are; the strongest relationships understand when drifting is essential for renewal and lets the process occur without trying to rescue.

Drift At Sea

Hands holding each other, fingers letting go

Hearts attached

Running along the shore, I can see your eyes meeting mine

As I drift at Sea

Can you hear my heart beating for you

as my glance turns away toward the setting sun?

Sands shifting, tides are restless

Drifting in darkness with moon watching over me

In the distance, I can hear your beating heart

I close my eyes and feel your warmth within the tepid water

I open my heart and feel your stare as I drift away

Drifting away at sea, will you wait for me?

I can hear my heavy breath as the water covers my face

I feel your arms and chest on my back; eyes open wide

I feel your beating heart, tasting your sweet lips against mine

You knew where I was all along, a journey well known to some

A wise mans traveled path, a young mans journey

Hands touching, hearts beating, waiting to come up for air

Gone for a while but I never left

Being the man I want to be, as I drift at Sea

Carl Meadows

March 26^th, 2011

Poem: Carlie

Published by Carl Meadows R.N. BSN, MA

We are all products of our experiences as children. I was asked by my coach a few years ago if I could get my Father to describe me as a child in one sentence or less. My father described me as “the most courageous little boy I ever knew, and the most vulnerable; both at the same time”~a paradox. This process inspired a search for the little boy inside of me, named Carlie.

Carlie

Where did Carlie go, did he disappear?

As I stop and remember those long lost years.

Holding hands, gumboots traipsing puddles; mesmerized

I would have stared at your reflection

if I knew it was our last moment together

Salt and peppershaker in hand for a birthday suprize

Grandma would soon see our accomplishments of the day

The only grandfather I knew

The hushed sounds, the whispers, something was wrong

the untalking was profound

The story of the sunlight blinding your eyes, the truck, the accident,

my grandfather disappeared

Talking late into the night; your life lesson stuck to me like a permanent scar

“Tell people you love them, the moment you know it, as time is unforgiving” you said

You were the love of my life, my rock, and my grandma

The one who protected me from a world not ready

When you saw me leave, you called my name

We had so many stories to tell, I needed so much more of your wisdom

Did you know you were dying, did you forget to say goodbye?

Was “Carlie, I love you,” the last words you wanted me to hear?

Did you not think you broke my heart?

Was I the chosen one to find your lifeless body?

I’ve been searching for you the remainder of my life

Why did you leave me so alone in this cruel world?

Or was it perfect timing, to ease your suffering?

Did you open up a space for me to flourish?

Was there not room for both of us, with our strong, surviving ways?

You didn’t tell me

Winds blowing, stars lighting the sky, laying on the dock

Wondering about you, are you out there; was this gods plan?

Was your hand always holding mine?

Were your arms always around me?

Did I forget to look within me?

I want to be found for a day, a week maybe a moment or two,

As the little boy named Carlie, will keep me eternally connected to you

Carl Meadows

March 18, 2013

Poem: Misery

Published by Carl Meadows R.N. BSN, MA

I believe in living a human life; this means sharing all the vulnerabilities of the human condition. Perceptions and obsessions of happiness can alienate the most basic human emotion and can add to the struggle of finding peace with ourselves. Misery finds itself in a world of secrets.

Misery

As I walked past you, I heard you whisper my name

I begged you not to stare at me, as your scent brought you back to life

You pulled me in, and I could feel your fingers touch my skin

The moment you touched me, I felt a draft that I evaded as long as I could

An ache so deep and heavy, I collapsed from the weight

Please spare me the pain of loving you again, and let me go

As you scratch my skin, make sure you take all that you can,

as it will feed your insatiable appetite of me

As I walked to the door, tears stung my cheeks like acid

and my heart slowly stopped beating

As I pushed the gates of the chamber open,

I turned around to beg you to leave me alone

The wind started to whisper; so profound I braced my ears.

I suddenly heard what I hadn’t know before; you needed me all along

As the force blew like a thousand hurricanes,

I stepped into the fear and closed my eyes

I felt your fingers slip into mine and we walked into the storm

When our eyes met, I saw what no one else could;

the moonlight reflecting on a single tear

I could read your lips as you spelled out every syllable;

t-h-a-n-k y-o-u m-i-s-e-r-y,

I l-o-v-e y-o-u.

Carl Meadows

November 30, 2014

Poem: Missing

Published by Carl Meadows R.N. BSN, MA

I was coming home one day on the Vancouver Metro when I suddenly became melancholy. It occurred to me that the childhood city I grew up in was disappearing. The creeks I jumped in, the trees I had climbed, had become either parking lots, new subdivisions or 30 story towers.

Missing

Blue reflecting blue

A scented cedar bow

The sound of a cackling raven

The great blue heron

Catching frogs on the banks

Catfish and crayfish

Towering grass

City in transition again

Cranes scratching the sky

Jackhammers on pavement

Towering glass

Missing stillness

Underground tunnels

Gobbling monster machines

Eating cedar, grass and creeks

Masses and movement

My childhood city

Missing

Carl Meadows,

August 22, 2009

Poem: Stolen

Published by Carl Meadows R.N. BSN, MA

When I was a child around 10 years old I was sexually assaulted. I made a choice many years ago to stop treating it as a dirty secret. Although it had devastating impacts on my self-esteem, it created the man I am today. In the media recently there has been discussions of rape and sexual assault. In my case I was raped by a female (she was our babysitter) over a long period of time. In my view, society has a double standard when it comes to males and rape. The first time I told an adult about the assault, they asked me if the girl was hot; that shut me down for over 20 years. Feel to heal and tell to get well.

Stolen

Soft skin, curious eyes, tender touch

Wanting love; bird with a broken wing

Searching, craving, longing

Easter egg in a room of hammers

Salmon eggs in a river with no water

Quenching for tenderness in a house of fists

You saw me quivering

Stillness of nighttime

Taking hand in darkness

Walking to room with shadows

Secrets, frightened, shame

Tomorrows never the same

Couldn’t fly

Legs strong, wing broken

Covered in oil, eagle watching

Couldn’t shake

Desperate for love; No superheroes

Many sons; same story

No words, many tears

Childhood stolen, many “sorry’s”

Lost child, rainy nights

Aching, lonely, crying

Many ravens; more regrets

Hourglass turned over, you walked away

Innocence stolen

Boys shame, mothers pain, father covers face

Hand slips away

Stolen

Carl Meadows,

November 22, 2009

Nursing Stories: Bedside lessons from the dying ~ The Angel

Published by Carl Meadows R.N. BSN, MA

Back in 1996 my mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It was a turning point in my life and the first time I realized my mom would one day die. I was mamas boy. She told me a story about an Angel who was a Home Care nurse and she didn’t have a name, but she had the memory of someone who guided her through a painful and fearful transition.

Many years later I was working on the Palliative care unit and I was receiving a patient. He was a young 43 year old. He was riding his bike and fell. It was unusual, as there was nothing to fall on, as he never hit anything. He was transferred to a hospital and diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour. His name was Page. He was on our unit for over 4 Months and I was his primary nurse. It was normal for me to sit with him at night and hold his hand. He would share his fears and disappointments and cry. He was on high doses of Intravenous Morphine as he had paralysis related to pressure from his tumour. Sitting together at 2 am became routine and he was able to verbalize how he was feeling. One night I came into his room and he asked me if we could have a special conversation, and I said yes. It was around 2 am and he grabbed my hand and started to shake with emotion. He started with “I’m so sorry”. I asked him why he would be sorry and he began to explain he was a born again Christian and when he found out I was Gay Months ago he felt many judgements about me. He asked if I could forgive him as I had been so important to him. I told him, I could only forgive him if he forgave me. He asked me what I meant. I told him I knew he was a “born again Christian”when he came onto our unit during his admission. I told him I didn’t think you would accept me if you knew I was gay. I told him I had my own stories. I decided never to hide that piece of me. We both had one of those moments where we realized that labels were irrelevant when you are dying. Page died a dignified death shortly after and that moment taught me many life lessons.

His Wife Barb watched me over the 4 Months and asked me to join her team as a home care nurse. Barb felt I would make a wonderful home care nurse and felt blessed I had cared for her husband. Shortly after I was hired, I went to a retirement party. I asked my mom to come with me as I didn’t know many people. Shortly after I arrived, my mom grabbed my arm and started to get teary eyed. I asked mom what was wrong and she pointed to the woman named Barb. The Angel that took care of my mom.

Poem: A Letter In The Wind

Published by Carl Meadows R.N. BSN, MA

Have you ever had an experience where you wanted to say something to someone so badly but your ego got in the way? If you could write a letter what would it say?

A Letter In The Wind

I wrote a letter the other day

I lifted it up, and it blew away

It flew so far, I couldn’t see beyond the sky,

Not clear whom it was it written for, you or I?

shaking hands danced, while the ink stained the paper.

tears dropping like blue puddles; the first rain on parched soil

I wondered if my truth would ever find its place

Would it spend a lifetime drifting, and dancing, evading its fate?

Would it ever find peace on solid ground?

With only a name to define its significance

A lifetime came and went

I thought youth would have lingered longer than it did

A Restless heart, time stopped being my friend

How could life have progressed so fast?

When I thought I had abundance of years to reconcile my injured past

My hardened stance, in a world without mortar

I wished I looked beyond the bricks, as time has softened me

Did fate touch a shoulder with a hand that was solid and strong?

They looked at the letter; the story was long

The paper was old and the edges were frayed

What in a letter could someone say?

So many years and memories suddenly flashed by,

The familiar writing, a long lost feeling of love pierced like a knife;

frozen by emotion in what could have been a different life

unwavering love that age would never steal

many years after goodbye, and a heart that never healed

never giving up on the wonder, over all those years

All the time wasted, drowning in tears

How could my ego have created a lifetime of hurt?

On that day, so many heartaches away, when I took the stained blue puddle letter

and placed it back in my shirt?

Carl Meadows

December 27, 2013

Poem: Hello Mr. Good-bye

Published by Carl Meadows R.N. BSN, MA

There are times in life where a feeling of love gets frozen in a time capsule. Then one day it shows up many years later and the memories are intoxicating and heart wrenching. This is a poem about unforgotten love, the bittersweet sense of good-byes and the thaw of memories that replenish your soul.

Hello Mr. Good-bye

Hello Mr. Good-bye
I saw you waiting for me a while ago
When we met the first time I was too young to understand
The full impact of our encounter

A lifetime came and went
Looking at you again required grief to consume every piece of my flesh
I tried to resist, but I’m powerless against your presence
If emotions are currency, I’m suddenly rich again
That evening so many heartbreaking years ago
Where the tears stained the pillowcase,
and we watched each other breathe into the night
the same night I learned your name

When I saw you waiting for me this time
I recognized you the moment we met
Desperately tying to align the pieces of a puzzle to ensure they all fit;
My head knew better, my heart forgot the lesson
I wanted to hold the memory of you as long as I could,
But you started to slip away and take my emotions with you

How did love sneak up on me, when I though my heart had frozen in time
What caused the thaw to occur and the melting of the inconsolable grief
Mr. Good-bye, this time will you stay with me
As our encounter will last the remainder of my life
When you saw me waiting for you,
I wanted to tell you what I couldn’t all along;
That I loved you the moment we met

Carl Meadows
July 23, 2013

Dedicated to Darcy

Leadership: The A B C’s of Clear Communication

Published by Carl Meadows R.N. BSN, MA

I went for a walk with a good friend recently. He shared that one of the greatest gifts I ever gave him was the book by Gervase Bushe called Clear Leadership. He started telling me about how it transformed every aspect of his communication and how it has influenced the way he shows up in every spectrum of his Career and Personal life. I thought I would share the basics of one of the the Tools in the book called “The Experience Cube”. When you master this, you will officially be able to “Walk the CUBE”.

The ABC’s of Walking the CUBE

When you have an experience that affects you through a “Pinch” (an unpleasant feeling) or something that is sitting with you following an event, that you continue to “think about” past midnight, you probably may want to consider having a Learning Conversation. Consider first if the relationship is required (Professionally may affect team dynamics) or a personal relationship (where there is caring involved). People make up stories and draw conclusions based on assumptions and then change there behaviors as a result. This creates the “Drama Triangle”.

Set the Stage ~ This is about the setting, timing and readiness and should be within a short period of time following the event. Tell the person why you are meeting with them. Something like; Yesterday when we were talking about _____ I noticed I had a reaction. I would like to explore this with you, when would be a good time to talk for 30 minutes?

Walking the “CUBE”

The first thing you must do is Draw a box with two lines, one vertical and one horizontal, creating 4 boxes. In the first upper left box write the “O”. In the box to the upper right draw the letter “T”, in the lower right box draw the letter “F” and in the lower left box draw the letter “W”.

O = Observing Facts that are observable to anyone (Smell, Words, body language,etc)

T= Thinking (The Story you made up as a result of the facts)

F= Feelings (Sad, angry, confused, etc.)

W= Wants (What do you want to understand and what do you want going forward) This must be within your sphere of influence. You can’t want someone to apologize because you have no control over what others do. You can ask them to paraphrase your perspective.

Remember: Expectations are pre-meditated resentments so focus on what you can own. Most importantly go into a learning conversation knowing you are going to learn something about you.

Now you are ready:

Here how it goes; (O)The other day when you said ____, I noticed your arms were crossed and you didn’t respond when I asked for your feedback (these are facts).

(T) The story I made up is that you are angry with me, or you were tired and didn’t hear me (this is make believe).

(F) I felt embarrassed and confused (True unfiltered feelings)

I want to understand what was going on for you yesterday at the meeting. I also want to know if there was a part I played in how you reacted?